Jesus I just realized that today....today one year ago was my due date. The date I was due. The date they sell to you, one you hang onto, look forward to and dream about. Of course most of us know it ends up just being another day because typically first time mom's are late. Well of course I was late but still hopeful because he was coming and I knew if it didn't happen on my own it would in a matter of a week.
By this time I was huge, acid reflux was kicking my ass and sleeping was....hard to do. But I loved feeling him shift and kick and move around. He was really active and I loved to push his little foot out of my ribs. We still didn't have a name, but we were ready. The room was ready, my bag was packed and now we needed some action.So we waited.
This day last year I was happy. Life was good, life was coming together and we were about to be a family. I can't really describe the feeling it's something a new mom and family only gets to experience once. The arrival of their first baby. The anticipation and the wondering what he or she is going to look like. What life will be like, will you even be a good parent? It's nine months of building up to the birth of your very first born child. That is never a feeling you will feel again. One time you get it, and I'm glad that we had it, I'm glad we were happy and excited and nervous for him to get here and I can only hope he heard and felt that. I hope he knew that we wanted him to show up and brighten our days with his presence.
This time last year was the best time of my life and it just clicked into my mind. And now I'm consumed by it. It doesn't matter how busy I keep myself or how full my calendar is the death of my son always creeps up on me and consumes me with loss. I can pretend to forget for a few days, but it always happens and probably always will happen for the rest of my life. So now I count and remember and look back at each day this time last year that ultimately lead up to our son's death.
