Well I'm pretty sure this baby is good and stuck! On Friday I will be 11 weeks pregnant.....which is almost 3 months already! I find that hard to believe and still struggle with the reality of actually being pregnant. I felt that way with Spencer.....I just found it so hard to believe a baby was actually in there. A real human life and one that I got to take home with me.
Lately I've been ok, I haven't been to crazy or worried...aside from purchasing a doppler I think I'm keeping it together fairly well. I haven't made the official Facebook announcement and would rather not do that until I hear a heart beat....hence the purchase of the doppler......Most of my family and friends already know though.
Another baby passed away....she lived for 2 hours and then slipped away. I actually knew her dad and I sent them a little message just to let them know they aren't the only ones. Her mom reached back to me and shared that she's been visiting Spencer's gave side when she stops to see her daughter. That meant a lot to me that she would take that time. It also made me realize that I'm not the only one that walks around looking at all the other graves. I often take stock and see who's new, sometimes I'll tidy up a few spots, get rid of the garbage etc. I still need to respond to her and writing this has reminded me of that. But I find it so humbling to be in the presence or to know another mom who knows just how I feel. It's not weird or uncomfortable when they tell me their story, in fact I find comfort in it. Almost like we are bonded for life now....even if we hardly know each other.
I'm back on the due date boards these days. It's hard sometimes because each week someone losses a baby or gets some bad news. Some days I just have to avoid it all together because I simply can't imagine coming this far and being left with nothing....then I realize I went even further, I was HOURS away from having my baby. Hours....minutes and seconds and just in a small flash he was gone.
I decided even before I was pregnant that I will not be going past my due date this time. I decided I will walk into that hospital on time, be monitored and induced and walk out with a healthy screaming baby. I will do that if I have to go through 10 doctors before one will agree with me. I know what happens, I know what happened to me, I know what happened to Sally and K and Aime and all the other moms that either went past a due date or simply didn't know. I know what happens and it's not going to happen to me EVER again as long as I can help it. If that means I need to have a c-section to get my kid here then so be it, do I want one? Heck no I don't, but I most certainty don't want to come home empty handed and have to bury another child. That I couldn't handle....
So I'll leave you with my very first bump picture.....I figure there is some bloat in there, packed in with some additional weight I've managed to eat back on....205 days! That's pretty exciting.
