A few weeks ago I was at my friends house visiting with her and her 15 month old daughter. As we chased her around the store and tried to keep her close I said "I cannot imagine being pregnant and having to chase a toddler around all day long, its exhausting!" Then it hit me.....I SHOULD be chasing a toddler around while pregnant. I should be exhausted, but I should also be experiencing the new excitement of a 19 months old.
He should be close to talking, already walking....running rather. I'm sure the temper tantrums would have started by now maybe even a few time outs.....He would start to look like a little boy and not necessarily like a baby. I'm sure his lush dark hair would be in his eyes and I'd be forced to finally get him a hair cut.
Life would be so very different with a 19 month old. I miss him, and I miss being pregnant with him. Now that I'm having another baby I keep thinking back and comparing the weeks. I was doing this at this time with Spencer, or I was feeling this at this time of year. It's hard to imagine I'm on baby number two with still no baby to speak of. Our son is going to be a big brother and he isn't even here to experience it. It makes me wonder if he knows, I wonder if he could sense my frustration and heart ache and finally helped send me another baby. I wonder how much of an impact he's going to have on this pregnancy and if he's going to really make sure this baby gets here as he should have gotten here......... I wonder if he knows how much I miss him. I wonder if he knows how much I think of him.
I hope he understands when we set up his stuff, and share it with his brother or sister. It's funny that I bought unisex items because I knew there would be more babies and I wanted to make sure that I could reuse things. Now it feels like I should have new everything just so I don't betray the memory of my son. Deep down I hope it's a girl, to me it feels like a fresh start. It feels like a chance to do things differently instead of the same but with a different baby.
I just hope my toddling little boy is so happy where ever he is that he just doesn't care that his sibling is sitting in his old chair, or that the new baby is actually sleeping in the crib that was meant for him. I hope his little face is smeared with mud and his t-shirt is covered in boogers while he plays with all his little friends, happy, safe and warm together. I hope he's sharing toys with the new ones that come and showing them around and holding their hands when they are scared. I hope he's a happy little 19 month old boy and I sure hope he's looking out for us during this long 9 months of waiting and hoping.
